It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
