all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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