Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
