Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
