Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
