i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I didn't notice because vodka
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
