I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
