sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
