He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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