Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I need to align my fucking chakras
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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