We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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