I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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