ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize