My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
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He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
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