The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan