I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
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Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."