Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.