it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
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Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
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Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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