I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
