I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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