dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
