i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
