Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
BRING THE BAGELS
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