my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
