No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
