I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
