Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
