My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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