Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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