GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
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i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
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You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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