there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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