She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
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Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
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New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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