How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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