I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
