I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize