I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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