You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
