my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
