All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
