i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
