he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.