we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(