I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
i need some magic done to my vagina
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
