I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
