It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
