That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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