the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
