Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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