I don't usually arrange sex via text message
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
