i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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