Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
