I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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