Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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