i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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