my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
