i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
