I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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