I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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