I wish I could teleport
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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