My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
