wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
