During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
